When I clean, I think and today was no different. I nervously waded into the web of thoughts that never quite seem to untangle themselves in my head. I had a long ponder about why I have been so unhappy lately. Many solutions went past my mind until I hit the nail on the head so to speak. I feel like a slave to my own existence.
I should be happy with my life, the people I have in it are fantastic, god willing we are healthy and we are in work. But this is where my problem is. I find working, being employed very difficult, it’s not in my DNA and it feels like hard work all the time, which would be ok if as a family we were earning to reward our life. People who often work hard get to buy nice cars, holidays, are able to renovate their house or even buy one with some hard earned savings. These are all examples of rewards for working but I feel like we aren’t getting any rewards in our situation. We are living month to month, working hard to just put a roof over our head and food on the table and something has to change. There has to be a way to change the dynamic and I need to work out the missing piece of the puzzle.
In an ideal world we could afford to live off one income so I could put my time to growing a business (never going to happen at the moment), we would be able to live off small outgoings but that would entail somehow living rent free, with no car and possibly surviving on beans on toast (also not a possibility), so where do I go from here.
I want to work for myself ideally but we also need to earn enough to break the metal fence that is caging all our dreams.
I hate it when I try to untangle the web, it makes it hard to get to sleep.
Oh dear I was doing so well…
Tomorrow it will be a whole flippin’ month since I posted on my blog. Why oh why can’t I be consistent. I was trying so hard I set a reminder every day to write something just SOMETHING.
However as the novelty appeared to wane again and I was back to being blank I couldn’t stand getting the reminders and ended up deleting them… oops!
I am slightly resigning myself to being the world’s biggest procrastinator and inevitably, I may never again write a blog. But let’s hope not?
After having a few periods in my life where feeling happy has been no where in sight I have found that letting go of the negative side of things really is the key. I find writing very therapeutic and have found in the past that my blog just wasn’t being the therapy I needed, so with this new blog I decided to try and use it more to help me process thoughts and feelings or deal with hard times, hence the name, it really is more of a diary.
I know if I wanted to write about how I was feeling everyday it would literally be titled ‘tired’, ‘exhausted’, ‘bad night again’, ‘broke’, ‘bills suck’, I could go on, but who wants to read about that?! We all have our bad days, but with this blog I really want to try and look at my day or my week and find the positive points to focus on. (I know I’m not amazing at it yet, I’m still training myself so please bear with me) What I don’t want is to turn my words into a rant or a moan everyday, it would probably not help me to feel any better but in fact just prolong the negative thoughts.
My aim in life these days is to find and keep the happiness and projecting positivity is something that helps but at the same time is not something that comes naturally to me, I am a born pessimist so trying to change my natural thinking pattern is a challenge.
One thing that helps is Pinterest, I love searching for positive affirmations and quotes. Keeping a pin board to look at regularly really enforces the good vibes.
Another thing that I love to do is listen to my favourite songs. Music can be such a good mood booster, especially first thing in the morning when the weather outside is awful. I always love watching the scenes in Greys Anatomy, when they have a tough time they just dance it out, and sometimes it’s the best thing to do!
Don’t really know how to conclude this post other than to say stay happy, grab the good times, project positivity and block out all the negative energy in your life, it’s just not worth your precious time.
Six years ago today I was being induced, again. One little madam was 12 days late and I was getting rather impatient to meet her.
How has six years gone by? She has been my little sidekick from the very beginning, wanting to bake with me, paint with me and even wear my make up!
She is the most beautiful little girl I know and her generous and loving nature never ceases to amaze me. Growing up 19 months behind her big brother has definitely had its challenges but she has learnt to stand her own and is quite a mean little fighter when he starts picking on her, I don’t think he ever thought she’d bite back one day.
She is turning into such a little actress and I can’t wait to see who she becomes in the next six years.
It’s a little sad looking at this picture, it feels like yesterday and if time carries on that fast she will have grown up before I can blink. I am aware she is now a middle child, and therefore no longer the youngest. I only grew up with one other sibling so I don’t know how it feels but I can imagine that the eldest and youngest children may often need the most attention for various reasons. I just hope that doesn’t alter her personality. I want her to blossom not be held back by insecurity and I want to make sure she knows she will always be my special girl.
Happy Birthday for tomorrow princess x
There is a saying that when you have children you feel like you are forever cleaning up after a party you didn’t attend. I pretty much feel like that all the time.
I didn’t realise how much clutter annoyed me until I had my children, they make soooo much mess everywhere they go and it’s all the little things that irritate me the most. For example, we have a lounge bin no more than 4 feet away from the children in all directions, you would think it was made of invisible wicker because they can’t seem to find it! The amount of times I have to pick up wrappers and tissues in a day is ridiculous.
I strangely don’t seem to mind too much chaos though as long as it’s a neat mess (yes that does sound backwards), I wonder if it’s a mild case of OCD? Everything has to have a home and stay there which is probably why I follow the kids around tidying behind them.
I have got better over the last 7 years, I now tend to wait until the kids are all in bed before doing a big sweep of the whole of the downstairs. I have to finish it before I sit down to do anything in the evening, but funnily enough the clutter is invisible to my husband just like the bin is to the kids. I came down late morning the other day, there were still breakfast bowls all over the place, pyjamas and dirty socks, cushions discarded like stepping stones on the floor; I immediately had to run around tidying up!
Disorder is definitely a stress factor for me, but life is short and I think you have to learn to choose what to pay attention to. I try really hard to keep on top of things but sometimes, when it just gets too much, I just close the door and try and forget about it.
P.s Sorry I missed my daily posting yesterday, got to be honest, just wasn’t in the mood to write. Decided to go try and dye my hair pink…
Relief! I have finally had the urge to pick up my yarn and hook and start a new make.
If you saw my post the other day I was saying how hard it had been to get into my crocheting again but weirdly after I’d written it, the next day I suddenly found my passion again.
It’s really odd, was there a reason I’d been holding back? Or was it because I’d recognised I was in a rut that actually motivated me to get out of it?
I have just started another rattle like the one I did for my son a few weeks back but in the new lush ice cream colours I’ve purchased recently. Again it’s a gift so I still haven’t conquered the problem with allowing myself to make things for me.
I don’t know how I got into crocheting, everyone seems to think it’s for old ladies but I am a huge advocate for changing that perception. It can totally be for younger people and guys too – why not?!
I had been searching for ‘my thang’ and tried literally everything but nothing stuck. I can’t knit and I think it’s to do with this issue I have with co-ordination (I have to drive an automatic because I can’t do gears at the same time as pedals and turning the wheel!). Using one hook just seemed to be easier. I watched YouTube vids to teach myself the basic stitches and learned how to read a written pattern, but it certainly takes time to learn what your tension is like to know how something will turn out.
I’m not sure what I’m moving onto after this make but I know I want to carry straight on and not loose the feeling again. I’m on summer break from uni but that time is running out, two months today and I will be about to start the final chapter of my degree and with three kids, a home and heading back to work after maternity leave, sadly crocheting might be on the back burner again!
I bet you can’t guess what this post is about??
Just kidding I’d be a tad worried if you hadn’t figured it out. I love the beach but more specifically the British seaside. There is something kitsch about it, quaint I suppose you’d call it. It’s full of memories from my childhood and dreams of an idyllic stress-free life in the future.
My husband is always on at me to go on holiday abroad, but to be honest, I’m more than happy to stay put! I love the tacky gift shops and 2p arcades, stripey deck chairs and building sandcastles on a blustery day. The sea is always freezing however, no I’m not keen on the sea, but as long as it doesn’t go past my ankles I’m ok with that.
You can find sun loungers, seashells and crashing waves on most coastal resorts but what I love about the UK are the beach huts. I have a slight obsession, in fact you should see the cushion I picked up today over on Instagram (@emma_l_blakeley). I have always wanted to hire one and it’s definitely on my list of life goals (yes I’m a bit sad like that).
I remember going to Swanage (I think it was) in Dorset a few years ago and there was a shop on a narrow, steep, cobbled lane. The shop was tiny but it just invited you in. There was a lady sat behind a little desk and she was selling hand painted post cards, aprons and tea towels. They were all adorned with cutesy paintings of the area, the local animals, beach huts etc and they were all her designs. From the minute I walked in I felt like I was in Wonderland. Not because the shop was glitzy or jaw dropping, actually it was quite small and simple, but because she was doing what she loved as a job, in the most amazing place. And at that moment I had a dream to open my own craft business by the sea one day.
I’m not sure when or how I’ll get there but it cheers me up on a blue day.
We want to decorate our bedroom again soon, and I think I now know what the theme will be!
(He should be grateful I don’t make us all live in a beach hut permanently)
Have you ever had a hobby which you love but can't bring yourself to pick up again?
I'm having that problem at the moment. I have loved crocheting ever since I learnt three years ago on summer break from Uni, but even though I'm on summer break this year and the baby is finally going to bed at a reasonable time, I can't get into it.
I've had writer's block before, but I didn't realise it could happen with crafts too.
It's like I really want to do it and I really enjoy it once I start, but when I have the opportunity to get on I can't bring myself to pick up the hook.
I wonder if it's because I'm not really sure what to make? I have always had a reason to make something, everything I've ever made I have given as a gift. I'm wondering whether I have a problem making something for myself, as if I'm not worth my own time (I don't know, that sounds weird doesn't it).
I always wanted to get to the point of being able to create my own unique items and learn how to write patterns and once I got to that point I was keen to get some together to be able to sell. I had even had the idea last year to make some baubles after a successful attempt at Santa, however the idea of making Christmas ornaments in August is hard to get my head around.
I hope I can clear the multicoloured yarn fog and learn to love it again soon, I used to be hooked! (Pun intended)
Earlier this evening, this blog would have consisted of
I hate the bedtime routine with two kids and a baby. The End.
I’d had enough, I was at my limit for today and writing a blog post was the last thing I wanted to do when I finally had five minutes to myself.
Doing the longest, logistically difficult, routine in the world with all three kids around the same time at the end of the day is ironically the worst time of day to be doing it. They’re either tired and not in the mood or worse, overexcited or overtired and not wanting to go to bed. I have often seen enough of them for one day and if I have to ask them to put on their pyjamas or brush their teeth one more time I will scream. Just to add to it all I now have a baby in the mix who will scream if he doesn’t get his milk that instant – which obviously coincides perfectly every night with putting the older two to bed.
But nights like tonight wind me up even more. It’s hard having a partner who works long hours, it’s hard that he works shifts, but I can deal with the havoc and chaos of bedtime when he’s not here, because I have to. What makes nights like tonight feel extra stressful is that I’m running round like a headless chicken trying to juggle everything that putting two kids and a baby to bed comes with, while he sleeps!
I know he’s had a long day, but so have I!
And I will leave that rant for another day because no one who’s had to entertain three kids all day like I have has the will or the energy to hear that one right now!
(I’ve just realised that as we now have two children named with the initial J I will have to start referring to them as big J and lil J!)
So big J is turning 6 next week and one of her favourite things is putting the bits in the party bags bless her! She’s so sweet and gets well excited about going on a little trip to find things.
Sadly due to rather bad behaviour this year she is not having a full on party but we have allowed her to have a few friends to a softplay. Even though we’ve scaled things down, we still felt we should have party bags.
As usual for me I like to keep things on a budget and this year I think we did quite well. You know how tiny these little loot bags can be and this year they are pretty full!
She has three friends coming and I didn’t want to spend more than £15 on the party bags in total, so this is what’s in the bag
Play-Doh (thingamyjigs?) I’m not sure what they’re called officially. I spotted these a few weeks ago, there were several to choose from and we chose the ones in the picture where the red Play-Doh comes through the green part to make a rose, and we got one that looks like a mole, but then pink Play-Doh comes through gaps on the head and it turns into a bunny! When we first saw them they were 99p which I thought was brilliant, but when I picked them up today, 50p each! I also spotted the Barbie Kinder eggs at the till, 3 in a box for £1.49, just the amount we needed.
The rest was from Poundland, naturally, so that was the My Little Pony colour changing pens (what 6 year old doesn’t love them? in fact I had to buy and extra one for little miss), a pack of 6 Disney Princess hair bands, lollies (which were £1 for 25!), and #flashmob hair set – this came with two different colour hair chalks and a hair mascara (had to buy an extra one for big J because she loved them) and I thought they were really cool for £1! The purple came out really strong on her red hair and it did wash out well too so a great little gift for girls who love to play dress up.
So all in all it was a good little bag and for all three girls it came in at £13 with loads of lollies left for our two!
I love a good bargain hunt, I just need to get bigger party bags next time!